PAT testing a VCR
Lessons from the most boring improv scene of all time and how you can swerve it
Many teams warm-up with ‘boring scenes’, intentional scenes where nothing happens: no interesting relationships, no emotion, and no unusual points of view. It’s risky to drill before a show for literally tens of paying customers, but can be helpful for giddy Crazytown-loyal teams to give them a chance of a grounded, relatable start.
Sometimes though, some reverse alchemy happens where otherwise creative improvisers produce very boring scenes without even trying. At least in rehearsal, there’s usually an excuse. The improvisers might be working on some new skill or brain-heavy format where the priority isn’t the outcome, but practicing the process.
Worst of all, a boring scene might escape when the improvisers are actually trying for interesting. In good faith, they define some specifics early on. Specifics are always funny, right? Not always.
In a DNAYS rehearsal a few years ago, me and an improviser whose identity I will protect, accidentally mined possibly the most boring improv scene of all time. It played out like this:
Me: Starts some generic fiddling spacework on the ground downstage. Player 2 knocks on the door. I answer.
Player 2: I’ve come to PAT test your VCR.
Me: Great, here it is.
Me: Shows Player 2 downstage. Player 2 starts fiddling around with what we now know is a VCR. Essentially the only specific we have.
Me: Do you want a cup of tea?
Player 2: I’m alright, thanks.
Player 2 finishes fiddling around with the VCR.
Player 2: That should do it.
Me: Thanks
END
Spectacular. It’s become DNAYS’ byword for when a scene is simply too boring: ‘We’re PAT testing the VCR here’. This pretty much applies to any ‘transaction’ scene where characters don’t know each other and are doing routine admin (ie buying something, maintenance, settings where we typically show no emotion).
An explainer:
1. What is PAT testing1?
Glad you asked. Portable Appliance Testing involves visual checks and instrument-based testing to ensure electrical appliances are safe, with no risk of electric shock or fire. …. Have I lost you? Well, according to the Health and Safety Executive: ‘there are many common myths about portable appliance testing’.
I don’t disagree, mainly because I didn’t get past the first sentence of that webpage. ‘Myth’ also supposes that there’s some intrigue in the world of PAT testing. There isn’t.
2. What’s a VCR?
Imagine streaming The Lion King by printing it on a roll of parcel tape inside a plastic box, then putting it inside a bigger mechanical box attached to your very-non-UHD TV. You’ll then need to adjust the ‘tracking’ to remove massive fuzzy lines over the early strains of Circle of Life. No? Ask your Dad.
So you can see why it’s important your VCR is PAT-certified before you enjoy the antics of Pumba, Rafiki and the gang.
But what can you do if you’ve introduced this riveting slice of life into an improv scene?:
Overshare - a transactional scene about hardware maintenance is actually perfect context for characters to overshare something personal. Unlike most other scenes like this, it can work with either an unusual customer or technician. A customer still wants their VCR certified safe even if the technician is odd. A technician still has a job to do and the customer is king. It’s pretty fun to watch them deal with each other:
Technician: I’ve come to PAT test your VCR
Customer: Great, here it is
Customer shows the Technician downstage. The Technician starts fiddling with the VCR
Customer: Cup of tea?
Technician: Please. I was also hoping I could get your advice on my divorce…
Customer: Right…
Customer goes to make tea, then returns to find the Technician gently weeping
Customer: Everything alright?
Technician: It’s tough, she’s got custody of the kids-
Customer: With the VCR I mean.
Technician: Oh yea, of course. Seems okay so far.
Customer: It hasn’t been working right for months.
Technician: I’ve been there. You’ve gotta cut ties.
Or the same POV, but held by the customer:
Technician: I’ve come to PAT test your VCR
Customer: Great, here it is
Customer shows the Technician downstage. The Technician starts fiddling with the VCR
Customer: Cup of tea?
Technician: Please.
Customer goes to make tea, then returns….
Customer: Everything alright?
Technician: I just need to run a couple more tests. Shouldn’t take a second.
Customer: Cool. Since you’ve got time, could I get your advice?
Technician: Sure
Customer: Me and my wife are arguing a lot.
Technician: About the VCR?
Customer: Yea… and everything else. It’s like we’ve got nothing in common.
Technician: Er, yea that sounds tough.
Technician gestures to the VCR.
Technician: Has it been working okay?
Customer: Not for months. We sleep in separate beds.
You/I/We - Start a sentence with a You/I/We statement like ‘you look…’, ‘you seem…’, ‘we’re….’. Even better if this is an accusation (see Will Hines!). Ideally the other player accepts this offer and defines a reason why it’s true. This forces the scene to be about the characters rather than the invisible PAT test:
Technician: I’ve come to PAT test your VCR
Customer: Great, here it is
Customer shows the Technician downstage. The Technician starts fiddling with the VCR
Customer: You look tense.
Technician: I am tense, I’m in the online queue for Oasis tickets
Customer: Should you be doing that at work?
Technician (half looking at his phone): Don’t worry I can do both. It’s only a PAT test!
Customer: Okay, cool. Cup of tea?
Customer goes to make tea. The technician checks their phone. Bad news. They throw it across the room. Customer returns.
Customer: Did I hear something smash?
Technician: Sorry, I got bumped off the line. I’ll replace that.
Customer: You will. Can we just get the test done and you can get on with your day?
Technician: Definitely.
Technician retrieves their phone, logs back into the ticket site, sets the phone down carefully by the VCR and starts doing their job.
Technician: FUCK! Son of a b-
They smack the floor angrily
Customer: Are you okay?
Technician: £300!
Customer: For the VCR?
Technician: No you idiot, the tickets. I’m at the end of my tether here…
OR, a ‘we’ statement:
Technician: I’ve come to PAT test your VCR
Customer: Great, here it is
Customer shows the Technician downstage. The Technician starts fiddling with the VCR
Customer: How’s it looking?
Technician: Pretty good. Say, we’re such a great team, aren’t we?
Customer: How’d you mean?
Technician: I just feel like we’re in sync.
Customer: I guess. Cup of tea?
Technician: YES! I was just about to say that. Two sugars.
Customer: Already on it, pal.
Customer goes to make tea, then returns:
Technician: Sorted. I’ve also installed you a DVD player. Latest model.
Customer: Wow, Spring 2005?
Technician: You know it! Only the best for my buddy.
They high-five.
OR
Technician: I’ve come to PAT test your VCR
Customer: Great, here it is
Customer shows the Technician downstage. The Technician starts fiddling with the VCR
Customer: I’m glad you came actually
Technician: Having some trouble with the old video box?
Customer: I’m sad.
Technician: Sorry to hear that. We’ll get you tested and certified in no time.
Customer: I wondered if you had a bit more time…
Technician: Microwave need testing?
Customer: I’m lonely.
Technician: What?
Customer: Sorry, yes, microwave. And the oven. Basically everything. Please stay.
Make the process important or symbolic - A useful addition to a mundane detail is to make it symbolic of some grand theme or emotional stakes. Grandiose and pompous characters are always funny and reveal more than a normal person would:
Technician: I’ve come to PAT test your VCR
Customer: Great, here it is
Customer shows the Technician downstage. The Technician starts fiddling with the VCR
Technician: The humble VCR. 80s icon. A more innocent time. In a sense, that battle with Betamax was a phyrric victory at best. DVD soon came along to vanquish the humble video. Then streaming rode on in. Just ask Blockbuster, they never saw the end. Just like how, one day, we all went out to play with our school friends for the last time, but never knew it…
Customer: I just need it PAT testing
Technician: And I just wanted to watch Wind in the Willows. It’s never that simple. We can’t just tap into Ratty and Moley’s bucolic lifestyle as if the Industrial Revolution never happened. It’s the 21st century and this machine is testimony to the relentless march of technological progress. But is it really progress? Our planet is on fire, AI has rendered our very concept of humanity obsolete.
Customer: Sure… Cup of tea?
Technician: Ahh, the British fire blanket. We can’t just smooth over everything with a cuppa, you know. We pillaged tea from India. Scarred the landscape and cleaved divisions through ancient communities, but hey, at least the trains ran on time.
Customer: Coffee then?
Technician: Yes please.
If none of these help, it might be time to cut your losses. The scene was always destined to fail. We can’t be sure why, but it’s undeniable by the third time the players are studying the back of an imaginary and obsolete machine. In that case, your backline might need to mercy edit. Get out of there and initiate with completely opposite energy. Hello, moon president.
Yes like an ‘ATM Machine’, saying ‘PAT testing’ is entirely redundant. ‘Testing’ is already baked-in. It’s this kind of nitpicking that will really make your scene sing/stink
I don't know, that first scene sounds kinda perfect :)